“Shine Your Shoes Mogomotsi”

           I have a confession to make. Okay here it goes. I’ve never shined shoes before. There I said it. A simple task known by most gentlemen was totally beyond me up until a few days ago.

           Here in Botswana there’s red dirt everywhere. It’s the dust in the air, the dirt on the floors and the lint in your pockets (I only know that after hand washing everything I own). So needless to say, a pair of black shoes quickly begins looking like the album cover to the White Stripes “Seven Nation Army”. It’s not a pretty picture. What’s more is that how you express yourself Is essential to integrating into Batswana culture (Batswana means the people of Botswana). My Language and Cultural Facilitator (LCF) told me the first thing people look at here is your shoes. Who knew that Forest Gump was actually right? From there, they’re going to judge every aspect of your appearance. Bad shoes can mean the start of a bad connection with someone. So that being said, I grabbed a brush and the first bottle of shoe polish I saw at the store.

           Okay now I’m sitting next to the bathtub. Brush in hand and shoe in the other. I know only two things. Leather isn’t meant to be washed with soap and if I get the shoe polish on myself it’s going to be a real bad time. If you’re imagining a new father changing a diaper for the first time, you’re on the right track. Alright, start by cleaning the shoes. I turn on the tub and put the shoe under the water and brush the dirt. Scrub once. Mistake.

Little did I realize, but I immediately flung the dirty water back onto myself with the brush in hand. It sprays over the side of the tub and onto my shirt. Strike one here. Alright time to change tactics then. I then proceed to brush away from myself and spray the dirty water over the side of the tub instead. Cleaning the rest of the shoes goes relatively easily, but now I’ve created a new problem for myself. How do I clean the rest of the tub that’s covered in dirt like a murder scene from Dexter? I go with the first instinct which is to grab the shower hose attached to the tub faucet and flip the lever. Mistake.

Strike Two. The shower head isn’t screwed on right and sprays water all over the side of the wall and onto myself of course. I shut it off but am now left with a dilemma. I still need to clean the tub. There’s most likely a better solution, but my annoyance decided to win out over my desire to be sensible. I flip the water and the lever back on. I’m now using one hand to block the water from the faucet from spraying all over the wall (no mind to myself, I’m already wet) and the other hand to clean the tub. With only mild success I can only think to myself. “Damn these shoes are gonna be so clean, maybe another PCV girl might notice.”

          With the tub clean and my shoes washed the rest of the process went rather well. The shoe polish applied nicely with the built-in applicator and what’s more it only mildly looked like I had murdered a cartoon. The evidence remaining was the ink that now was on both hands. The moral of the story here is that you probably should have someone help you shine your shoes and be aware of leaky faucets.